Press release [draft]
Dull Men’s Club — Announces Support
Million Moderates March — to Rally to Restore Sanity
October 30, 2010 — Washington, DC — Noon to 3:00 p.m.
Sponsored by Jon Stewart of The Daily Show
Gearing up for the march, the DMC is dusting off (dull men like to dust) its list of key political and public policy issues.
The DMC naturally supports moderates. America’s political scene and news broadcasting have been dominated far too long by shrill, ridiculously angry, uncompromising views.
But will we go all the way to Washington to march? We like to march — marches are the most orderly form of walking and we value orderliness — but this event might be too exciting for us. Washington is full of monuments, museums, and the gigantic mall — we might be overwhelmed.
Most of us will stay home and watch the rally from the comfort of our serenity stations. We’ll watch it live on Comedy Central. Far from the crowds.
We do have, however, issues we’d like the rally to consider — issues affecting our sanity and moderate lives:
Ban Noisy Candy Wrappers
Has your enjoyment of a film been disturbed by the sound of candy being unwrapped? If so, then you will appreciate our call for an end to this.
We want government-sponsored research to discover and develop a silent candy wrapper. Until the vital discovery is made, legislation should be enacted requiring candy to be unwrapped before carried into theaters.
Ban Upselling — Ban Supersizing
Once you’ve bought what you want, are you annoyed with attempts to sell you something bigger?
You buy an airline ticket; then the airline tries to sell you a better seat. You sign up for broadband; then the broadband carrier tries to sell you more bandwidth. You’re buying a new laptop; the salesperson tries to sell you more RAM. You’re buying a shirt; a sign says “Buy two, get third one free.” At the car wash you ask for the regular car wash; the attendant tries to sell you their super grand wash, “We wipe out the cup holders”. You’re in a restaurant, you’ve ordered what you want; the waiter asks, “Would you like a starter with that?” You order a normal, sensible 10 oz. drink; “Don’t you want our special 24 oz.?”
This upselling and needless supersizing should be banned.
Stop Rest Area Closings
Rest areas are being closed across the country. Budgetary problems.
It’s sad to drive by rest areas that have been closed — seeing the barriers with big, bold words shouting out “Closed.”
Outcries from motorists and truckers are mounting. Politicians must take action. Not only should politicians bring an end to the closings, they should reverse the tide — improve, modernize rest areas — add expositions about nearby attractions — draw visitors to their states.
America needs more roundabouts (a.k.a. traffic circles and rotaries). Roundabouts manage traffic at intersections efficiently.
And they’re fun.
Another thing: with more roundabouting at home, Americans will be better prepared to deal with roundabouts when they travel abroad.
Ban bans on specific fonts. This issue came to light recently when the website bancomicsans.com emerged. We see nothing wrong with Comic Sans, even though it’s not our favorite font. Our favorite? Helvetica.
Like freedom of religion from the First Amendment, a similar provision should be passed for freedom of fonts.
Having said that, we recognize there are places where Comic Sans is probably not appropriate. Tombstones for example. And road warnings like “Falling Rocks,” “Bridge Out,” “Avalanche Area.”
Example of where Comic Sans is appropriate? Candy wrappers.
Ban Corduroy Bans
Due to largely to the vigilance of the Corduroy Appreciation Club, a ban in England on cabbies wearing corduroy trousers at several train station taxi ranks has not spread to America. Yet. We agree with the cabbie who said, “The ban hits below the belt.”
The Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world should be fitted with shrillometers that emit electric shocks when the screams and shouts exceed acceptable levels.
News coverage of duller activities
How about news coverage of bake-offs, spelling bees, chess players pondering their next moves?
Calmer interludes in news broadcasts
Instead of alarming bursts of music, how about bird sounds, rain falling, icicles melting?
“If you’ve heard of a candidate, he’s not dull enough—don’t vote for him”
That’s what we heard a fed-up voter say. Too extreme? (Dull men avoid extreme.) Perhaps it can be mellowed (dull men like mellowed): “If you’re tired of hearing too much about a candidate, don’t vote for him.”
Option to Vote “No”
Have you ever felt like voting “No” for President? Ballots should provide this option.
Include on the Rally’s program: Jon Stewart reading from John Stuart Mill (a fitting way to dull down Jon Stewart)
Many of our members began following Jon Stewart because they connected the name with John Stuart Mill, economist and philosopher. Mill’s writings rank high on the DMC’s recommended reading list. Jon Stewart should read these writings — out loud of course — at the Rally to Restore Sanity.
A Groaner we like — it’s from #Rally4Sanity on Twitter:
Who invented rallies?
Hint: it was a famous English explorer.
Sir Walter Raleigh.
For more, go to the Groaners page on our website.
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October 24, 2010