A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named “governmentium,” symbol “GV” on the updated Periodic Chart.”

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.


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February 17, 2011

Hello Dull Men,

My name is Helen, and I am one of the “decent women” you like to hear from. I greatly enjoy your site. I also happen to be the Science and Health editor of my college’s student newspaper, and we’re printing a parody issue next week. I’d like to feature your piece, “Governmentuim” in the section. I will give the site full credit for the article. May I please use it?


New York

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February 17, 2011

Hello Decent Woman Helen,

Thanks for your email to us.

The Governmentuim item was contributed to us by a reader. It did not originate with us. Unfortunately we do not recall its source. I think it will be OK to use it. We never received any complaints from using it.

It is indeed funny and a good example of parody.

It’s fine if you mention our website.


Asheville NC